“Friend Alexander, said the Spirit Saul to me, at our next communion, who, at this time, seemed to be unattended by Judas, “since I was with you, I have had an interview with our
The spirit gave vent to a deep sigh, and paused for a few minutes, as though he were endeavoring to overcome some violent emotions. At length he said in a saddened tone of voice:
“It is a sad thing, my friend, to confess that which I am about to do. To speak of one’s self, concerning things and deeds, the remembrance of which fills me with horror; but such is the result of a sinful life, and therefore, however loathing and repugnant to me, it must be done. Bear with me, then, my friend, during my recital. Let not your just indignation break with me, but wait patiently to the end, and bear witness to the only atonement I can make to outraged humanity for my past wickedness and follies.
I was born in Tarsus, city of Cilicia, about two years preceding the birth of Jesus of Nazareth. This is important to observe, for after the death of Jesus, when my name is first introduced in the book of Acts, I am there represented as a very young man, supposed to be much younger than he was, when in fact I was his elder. The name given to me by my parents was Saul, after my progenitor through the line of Benjamin. My father was named Bathus; my mother Eunice. They were both pious people of the Jewish faith, and I was educated in the same principles.
My father was an active, persevering man, desirous of doing something in the world, but seeing nothing better or more available to him than common business, he limited his ambition to that, to which he applied himself with great energy, with the idea in view of becoming in course of time wealthy. He was a tent maker by trade, at which he prospered and gained riches.
After receiving the rudiments of an education at home, I was sent, at about twelve years of age, to Jerusalem to finish under the tutorship of Rabbi Rabban Gamaliel, a celebrated man, with whom I remained several years. I said that I was educated in the same religious principles as my parents, and during my youth I was an innocent believer in them; and when at the Holy City, surrounded by the priesthood, and having recourse to their books of law and traditions, a great flood of light gradually spread over my mind. I could not help perceiving the trickeries, knaveries, hypocrisies and selfishness of these holy men; and as well, the lies, fables and absurdities of the sacred books. I consequently became an infidel to the whole system and state of things, from the beginning to the end; but I had the prudence to hide my sentiments, and in course of time I became as great a hypocrite as the rest. I inherited from my father his persevering, active nature, and as I grew toward manhood, I felt a restless desire or ambition to do something in the world above common men, though I could not tell of what nature it should be. I could not reconcile my self to the idea of pursuing business and wealth as my father did before me; nor could I be contented with the limited and disgusting routine of the priesthood. I thought there was something greater destined for me to do than to be singing psalms, blowing trumpets, or gorging upon roasted meats, which were the general avocations of the holy priesthood. Yes! I felt an ambition within me to do something greater and more ennobling than this. I wished to be mounting up to a conspicuous elevation in the estimation of the world. I felt as though I could grasp in one hand all the minds of mankind, and with the other that I could lead them in fetters.
I continued my studies at Jerusalem until I had attained manhood, when I was suddenly called home, as my father had fallen sick. I returned to Tarsus. Soon after my father died, leaving me his business and a great portion of his wealth. At the solicitation of my mother and her friends I continued the business, though much against my inclination. However, as I had not any definite idea of any other course that I could pursue to my liking, I continued to follow in my father’s steps for some years. In the meantime, my wealth was increasing. When I had attained my thirtieth year, my mother died; then I resolved to quit the business, leave my native city, and return to Jerusalem, for I longed to be one of the actors, if not the rulers of that distinguished city. I accordingly turned all my effects into money, took leave of my friends, and with one servant or bondman, I bid adieu to Tarsus.
About the time that I arrived at Jerusalem, Pontus Pilate was appointed Governor of Judea, and Caiaphas was shortly after made High Priest of the Temple. I had several friends in the city, among whom was my old tutor, Gamaliel, who proposed to me certain matters by way of occupation, but none of them met my views or inclinations at the time. Thus I continued inactive for the space of a year, wandering to and fro without knowing what it was I sought or wanted. At length in the course of my peregrinations, my curiosity and attentions were aroused by observing a wild looking man in an uncouth dress, preaching in various localities, a system of reformed theological doctrines. I listened to several of his discourses before the people, and found the main subject to be ‘The repentance of sins, and remission of the same through baptism of water.’ But that which excited my greatest curiosity was, that this preacher, who was called John the Baptist, during his preaching, several times intimated that somebody was coming after him, greater than he, who would have not only the power to forgive and remit sins, but would be enabled to cure diseases of the flesh, and open the heavens to all true believers. In fact, this John intimated that the time for the coming of the Messiah was at hand, and he would shortly appear.
As I said before, this part of the preacher’s discourse aroused within me a great curiosity. I was desirous of discovering who this great personage could be that John was keeping in the background. I suspected that John was in colleague with somebody, who, under the assumption of the Messiah’s advent, was going to make an attempt to change the theological views of society, and exalt himself into power. I was not credulous enough to believe in the appearance of any true Messiah. This set my mind in action. I endeavored to imagine their designs, doctrines and actions, until I became weary of reflection; and at length I resolved to sift the matter thoroughly and as quickly as possible. Accordingly I sought an interview with John the Baptist, in his retreat among the wilderness of mountains by the lake Asphaltez. I saw the man, and found him to be more of a fool and a fanatic than a cunning impostor as I suspected. He was a wild ascetical fanatic, who had rendered himself crazy by studying the books of the prophets; yet he was sincere in what he said and believed. He said that he had found the Messiah in a certain man whom he was going to baptize on the morrow, when he would introduce him to the people. Having gained this information from John, I resolved to be present at this baptism.
In this sketch of my earthly career, I need not give you the particulars of my proceedings. I will merely state my design and its results, leaving all details until I give you the true narrative of Jesus, which is the great object I have in view.
My design was to make Jesus and his reform doctrines the means by which I would build a new religious sect, that should be acceptable and promising to the poorer and ignorant part of the community; and which should seem to be based upon the dim and ambiguous ravings of the Jewish prophets. In fact, by misconstruing and misrepresenting the discourses of Jesus with the aid of lies and deceptions, to represent him as the expected Messiah, and that he should represent himself as such, even in defiance of his own intentions and speech; this I found possible, with the assistance of others who worked at my bidding. After Jesus should have run his reform career for a time, it was my intention to bring him in collision with the authorities of the Temple and the Government. I said to myself: “He must then be removed and sacrificed to the principles and doctrines he endeavored to establish in society; for new principles take deep root in the minds of men, when they are well sprinkled with the blood of martyrdom.” This I managed to accomplish by my evil schemings and workings. Jesus was sacrificed. The foundation was now laid upon which I built the superstructure of my ambitious desires. John the Baptist, while acting under his religious craziness, served my ends; but while in prison he returned to a sane state of mind, and began to see his errors and folly. From fear that he would recant what he had previously taught concerning Jesus, I caused him to be destroyed. Judas I slew with my own hands, as soon as I could dispense with his services, from fear that he would betray me to the world as he was the depositary of my secrets. There was now but one person of whom I was jealous, or considered an obstruction in my path; it was Stephan. I hated him for his virtues and talents, and I was afraid that while he lived I should not be the first to lead and govern the disciples of Jesus, and be considered worthy of their esteem. Accordingly I managed to have him denounced by the Sanhedrim, and sacrificed to their fury and my hatred.
Having accomplished all these preliminaries, I came forward in open day as an actor. With delegated authority from the Sanhedrim, I traveled towards Damascas, under the pretense of persecuting the new people; but in fact, it was to get into a more favorable locality where I could perform the first part of my intended career. As I approached the city, a storm arose of thunder and lightning. “Here is an opportunity I must not lose,” I said to myself. Then I threw myself from my horse—fell prostrate on the ground, and acted a pantomine of great terror. Indeed, with a little well performed imposture, I pretended that the spirit of Jesus had appeared to me, rebuking me for my wicked course, and commanding me henceforth to go through the world preaching his doctrines and principles. My imposture was generally believed by the disciples and followers of the late Jesus, and all those who knew otherwise, did not think it worth while to notice it. After a time, which I passed in reflecting upon my future plans, but which I represented as passed in repentance and prayer, I entered upon my travels, preaching certain doctrines of my own invention, which I gave to the world as being the doctrines of that Jesus whom I had caused to be murdered. My own fictions and lies I passed off as being the gospels of truth, as delivered from the mouth of the crucified Jesus, the Christ, the Son of God.
Oh! what a terrible monstrosity! What a mountain of vile imposition I have imposed upon the world! My deeds while on earth were black and heinous enough; but the wickedness of my doctrines, which I left to after ages of blind, credulous man, were ten thousand times more damning. What a contrast there is, my friend Alexander, between the doctrines taught by Jesus and those I represented as his! His discourses consisted of the purest and best of morality, calculated to establish among men a sense of love, justice, charity and humility. He endeavored to abolish all wicked and vicious habits, practices and notions; supplying their stead with a knowledge of physical truths and principles, all of which tended to harmonize mankind. His speculative ideas, if not realities, were beautiful assumptions, teaching that there was one universal, eternal God of love and mercy, who delighted in all that was good among his children, rewarding all according to their merits. He taught that death was not to be annihilation, as some supposed, but only a transition state from our mortal to an immortal nature, where the emigrating spirit would be placed in a sphere of favorable conditions to carry out all its noble and virtuous aspirations.
The doctrines of Jesus were the principles of nature simplified, easy to comprehend, and redounding to the benefit of man. In character, Jesus was a lover of truth and of his fellow men, full of charitable and benevolent feeling, mild and unassuming in his deportment, contented with little in this world, and depending upon God for all things, whom he, in his unknown orphan state, styled his Heavenly Father. Contrast with this character, friend Alexander, the ridiculous and absurd doctrines I preached concerning Jesus—all the nonsense of faith, grace and salvation by the redemption of sins through the blood of Jesus the Christ. Look at the books called the Gospels, the original one being written by Luke, at my suggestion and designing, from which all the others have been copied and imitated, with thousands of additions and omissions, to suit the notions of the various itinerant preachers calling themselves the teachers of the word of Jesus. Examine these books, and see the mass of confused and contradictory nonsense delivered as the teachings of Jesus. See the absurd and ridiculous light in which his character is represented, with qualities neither befitting a man nor a god, both of which he is represented to be. Coming into the world in a most ridiculous and unnatural manner; assuming to have a mission which he never performed; assuming to have power that he never exercised in defense of himself or his friends; assuming to be sent to a people, who would not receive him, and preaching his mission to those he was not sent to. He professes to be a man of peace, and that all mankind by him shall be blessed; yet he says that he was not sent to restore peace, but the sword. In one place he says he is equal with God, and in another, he says he is not equal. At one time he says his witness or record is truth itself; then in another he denies the same; and in general his character is represented to be deficient of all those qualities necessary to constitute a great and noble man, and much more, it is deficient of those necessary to constitute a God as he is represented to be. In fact, Alexander, if you examine the Gospels, my Epistles, and all the other writings of the New Testament, you will find them to be a compilation of lies, contradictory statements, ridiculous absurdities and mystical nonsense, too disgusting for any intelligent person to give credence or dependence to. I was the originator of the celebrated Gospels; but subsequent impostors like myself, added and altered my model to suit themselves, all of which have been palmed upon the ignorant world as the history and doctrines of Jesus.
There is one exception I must make, as regards my writings and preachings. I taught the doctrine of immortality after death. That is actually true, as I have found it to be since my earthly career terminated, yet there is no credit due me for preaching that truth, as it had been taught by many, before me or Jesus. I had no definite ideas concerning it, and cannot say that I believed it, as my wicked career will testify, though I made it the grand theme of my teachings; but finding it acceptable to the people, I laid great stress upon it, and by a little sophistry I made it seem true to their minds. Oh! my friend! I wish all my other impositions had been as happy in their results as this.
Thus, Alexander, instead of teaching the people the sublime and happy morals, and the beautiful speculative ideas of Jesus, I wandered over many countries teaching the detestable dogma to which I have alluded, which I called the words of Jesus the Christ.
I pretended to work some cures in imitation of him, when with a little jugglery and some lies, I gained the reputation of working miracles. Whenever I wanted a new authority or wished to establish anything new, I had a happy faculty of seeing visions, so that with a few mystical figures or images, I construed things just as I wanted them to be. Sometimes I pretended that miracles were wrought in my favor, in order to establish my importance, and gain reverence from the deluded people. Such, as when I was made prisoner at Phillpi, through the assistance of some friends, I bribed the jailor to let me escape; then the story was told, in order to screen him, that I was set free by an angel. The silly people forgot to think that in my subsequent career I was in more difficult circumstances, yet no angel came to deliver me.
One great reason of my success in making proselytes and gaining subscriptions, as I pretended for pious purposes, was the power of my hypocritical simulation. I was all things to all men, as nigh as it was possible to be. With Jews, I boasted of being a Jew; with the Pharisees, I was a Pharisee. Before the Greeks, I was a Greek; and with the Romans, I claimed to be a Roman citizen. Before the Gentiles, I preached against the laws and ceremonies of Moses; and when I thought it to my interest to enter the Temple, I shaved my head and conformed to all other ceremonies.
I preached meekness and humility in all cases, times and places; yet there was no greater self-willed tyrant than myself, when I thought I had the power. For instance, my dispute with Barnabas. Jesus, when before his judges was mocked and otherwise ill-treated; but he bore all the mildness of a lamb. Although I taught the like conduct, yet I could not conform to it, for when the High Priest ordered me to be smitten on the cheek, I cursed him with all the rancor and ill-feeling of a demon. I preached against all world interests, especially lucre, yet I was always very zealous in making collections of money, to distribute to distressed brethren at a distance, and in so doing I never forgot to take a share; and sometimes, I was so covetous that I excited the suspicions of certain rival apostles who made charges against my honesty, and sometimes their charges were true.
Toward the latter part of my career, many rival pretenders to piety and virtue, like myself, rose up against me; they had much envious feeling, suspicion and charges against me. They stripped me of a great many of my assumed virtues, powers and mighty works, representing me to be very much like what I really was—a selfish, ambitious, boasting imposter. This made me sick at heart, so that I almost repented of having entered upon my chosen course. But I found that I had advanced too far to recede. My course was chosen, and I was obliged to follow it, or suffer an ignominious fall.
Being naturally of a bold heart and full of assurance, I recovered courage, and continued my onward career, repelling the charges of my rivals and enemies, and crushing all my opponents that came across my path. Thus I continued to wander for some years, making proselytes to my senseless doctrines, in the name of Jesus the Christ, and pretending to perform cures of a miraculous nature, establishing churches, of which I always made myself the head or principal.
In the course of my wanderings, having made a man of note and authority a convert, whose name was Paulius, I changed my name from Saul to Paul, as vanity suggested to me that it sounded of greater worth and importance. Thus I continued my career, it being generally successful and pleasing to my ambition, until I entered the Temple, and hypocritically conformed to the ceremonies which I had been preaching against. The people did not believe me to be sincere. They were aroused to anger against me. They seized me and brought me before the tribunal of the Sanhedrim, under the very same charges I had made against Jesus, at the same Sanhedrim a few years before. From that day the tide of fortune turned, and afterward evil was my destiny.
After much suffering and imprisonment, I was conveyed to Rome a prisoner, to plead my cause before the Imperial Senate. Nero was Emperor then. My cause was thought to be too trifling to be heeded, so that I was almost at liberty. I continued to preach and work miracles, making many converts, among whom was one of Nero’s concubines. She professed herself a believer in the new doctrines and faith. I was always in daily communion with her, so that we were intimately acquainted. She was a woman of great beauty; in fact, it was not very extraordinary that my carnal passions should be aroused, and desires in conformity took possession of me toward her. Considering I had full command over her mind, I was infatuated enough to make certain proposals to her. I found myself mistaken in the woman. She highly resented my proposals, and immediately acquainted her imperial master, and the result was, that in a short time, I found myself in prison. I did not remain there long, however, for in a few hours afterward I was led forth to execution. Thus ended my ambitious and wicked earthly career.
Now, my friend Alexander, I have given a slight sketch of my evil deeds and misspent life while on earth. That it was one of great folly, error and wickedness, it will be useless to iterate; but that is not the worst of it. The results since my death have been ten thousand times more baneful to the cause of humanity than that which preceded it. For eighteen centuries the minds of men have been overspread with a gloomy, destructive superstition that I have entailed upon them. My dogma has enveloped them with the grossest and darkness of ignorance, and it has prevented them from making any advances in virtue, or intellectual improvement. Nearly all those who have endeavored to enlighten and liberate their fellow-men, have been crushed out of existence. Bloody wars have deluged the earth in every age and country for the space of eighteen hundred years. Men have destroyed each other individually with fire, sword, the rack and gibbet. The loathsome dungeon, torture and famine have swept millions of men from the earth, and all those who have been spared a cruel and untimely death, have been living in mental bondage.
Such were the awful results of the damnable doctrines that I preached to mankind, in the name of Jesus the Christ. Had I known the baneful consequences of my reckless ambition, wicked as was my nature, I could not have continued in the course which has proved the greatest curse that ever afflicted mankind. But I have suffered, greatly suffered, for my misdeeds! While the fools, hypocrites and knaves were burning incense, and shouting praises to Paul the Apostle for his good and pious deeds when on earth, I was shivering and writhing with the tortures of the hell within me. The poignant stings of guilt and remorse were piercing my soul through and through—curling me up with a ceaseless, excruciating agony. For nearly eighteen centuries did I hunger and thirst after the sustenance peculiar to spiritual life. While deluded mortals considered me to be enjoying the beauties and bliss of a happy exulted state in this world, I was suffering all the indescribable agonies of the self-damned. But time has passed. I have made all the atonement that is required of me here for my misdeeds while on earth, yet there is one duty I must perform to humanity. I must enlighten them concerning my history in connection with Jesus of Nazareth, and give a true narrative of that part of his life which terminated in a tragic death, of which I was the instigator. It is the only atonement I can make for the outrage I have given to mankind, and the injustice done to the injured Jesus. When I say this, I speak for Judas also, who sincerely joins me in the sentiments I declare; for he, as far as he was connected with this lamentable affair, wishes to make whatever atonement is possible to Jesus and mankind.
Excerpt from The True Life of Jesus of Nazareth: The Confessions of St. Paul
To continue reading the narrative, please see full book download here.